


An Interesting Snickers Bar

by Major_Anxiety, The_Trashiest_Bisexual



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Andeperry fuck yea, Anxiety, Charlie being a little shit, Comedy, Fluff, Getting Together, Interesting Snickers bar, M/M, Meme Culture, Panic Attacks, Theatre club gang let's go, Wholesome, changed the name because an interesting snickers bar is way funnier, falling forward, previously titled, the big gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:49:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28732218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Major_Anxiety/pseuds/Major_Anxiety, https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Trashiest_Bisexual/pseuds/The_Trashiest_Bisexual
Summary: They met at the start of year ten.Neil reached out for a hand-shake, and Todd could only vaguely thinkWho gives people handshakes?He eyed the hand for a brief moment before awkwardly returning the gesture.“Hey, you must be Todd.” Even his voice held that same confidence. Todd didn’t get it. “Nice to meet you. Name’s Neil, by the way.”Todd nodded in response. “Yeah.” He sounded awkward, “Nice to meet you.” It really wasn’t. The whole exchange already felt like a train-wreck when he couldn’t even maintain eye contact....A modern AU story of Todd and Neil meeting in high school, and how their relationship changes in the final two years of schooling. It includes them getting together and some other wholesome shit like connecting over anxiety. Also kissing
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 5
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter One - First Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> My friend and I co-wrote this together. We both live in Australia, so some of the terminology (particularly to do with schooling) may be centered more on the Australian schooling system rather than the American one
> 
> We hope you enjoy the story!

They met at the start of year ten.

Todd’s parents had gone on and on about how _well_ his older brother had performed in school, and how Todd would be _just_ as successful if they graduated from the same place. Todd didn’t have a say in the matter. It didn’t matter if he told them he already had friends at his current school or how he was getting steady _‘B’s_ in his subjects, because Jeffrey was getting straight _‘A's_ and _Todd could do the same if he just went to Welton_. That was the logic, anyway. He could be better, because apparently just being Todd wasn’t enough.

He found himself standing around in the front office, waiting as one of the teachers went to fetch his ‘buddy’. The quiet reception room felt awkward and suffocating, and there were only so many times he could look at the photos and posters on the far wall without seeming _too_ interested in a bunch of decorations. From the few glances he’d thrown her away, he’d gratefully realised that the receptionist wasn’t paying him too much mind; more focused on what was on the screen in front of her than some awkward teenager waiting to be introduced to a complete stranger.

Before Todd could put too much thought into _I look too out of place here_ , the teacher he’d met earlier (he was pretty sure the man had introduced himself as ‘Mr. Keating’, but Todd wasn’t entirely certain) returned with a student by his side. It was clearly someone Todd’s age; probably sharing at least one of his classes. The student struck Todd as the kind of guy who was way too extroverted and effortlessly popular - from the relaxed way he held himself and a smile that was too dazzling for an outcast. He seemed _too_ bright, in a way that made Todd feel weirdly self-conscious just to be in the same room as him.

The other student reached out for a hand-shake, and Todd could only vaguely think _Who gives people handshakes?_ He eyed the hand for a brief moment before awkwardly returning the gesture.

“Hey, you must be Todd.” Even his voice held that same confidence. Todd didn’t get it. “Nice to meet you. Name’s Neil, by the way.”

Todd nodded in response. “Yeah.” He sounded awkward, “Nice to meet you.” It really wasn’t. The whole exchange already felt like a train-wreck when he couldn’t even maintain eye contact.

“I’ll leave the two of you to get acquainted then.” Mr. Keating interjected, before turning to head back down the hallway he’d emerged from, “Make sure to show Todd where everything is.”

“Will do, Mr. Keating!” Neil called back a little too enthusiastically, and soon enough it was just the two of them standing around.

It had been a little easier when there was a teacher to act as a buffer. At least that way Todd wasn’t expected to make conversation.

“So,” Neil started, “I might as well show you where our first class is.” He took a few steps, before gesturing for Todd to follow when he saw him standing in place, looking a little lost.

The two made their way onto the school grounds; Neil mindlessly making conversation the entire time. “It looks like we share at least three classes,” He stated. He glanced down at the timetable in his hands, and compared it to what appeared to be a copy of Todd’s in his other hand. “English, math, and… Philosophy?” He looked over the timetables once more, confirming that he had the subjects right. “..Huh. Didn’t pin you as the philosophical type. Then again, I guess the quiet types are usually deep thinkers.” Before Todd could respond, Neil seemed to answer his own unasked question, “Not saying you’re quiet-- or that being quiet’s a bad thing.”

Todd recognised the look of drowning in conversation all-too-well. “It’s fine.” The hint of a smile appeared on his face, “You’re not wrong, anyway.”

At the very least, Neil didn’t seem like a bad person, or the type that’d ditch Todd the first chance he had. That was at least something to count his blessings on, although he didn’t think he’d be able to count on that observation being enough in the long-term. It would only be a matter of time before Neil realised Todd wasn’t worth the effort, even if it took him a week instead of a day to understand that. Everyone else did came to that conclusion - except the other reserved, shy types that could barely speak three words without feeling like they’d already said too much

.  
.  
.

Most of their conversations were pretty much one-sided; Neil talking enough for the two of them, and Todd being quiet enough to fill the empty space. It felt weirdly reassuring not to feel some pressure to speak - or at least, it had been until Todd had met Neil’s friends.

There was a whole group of them, and it seemed like they spent their breaks in equal parts messing around and studying. Todd didn’t doubt their parents sent them to Welton for the same reason his own had sent him, because it was easily considered the highest performing school within a 50 kilometre radius. It only made sense that there was some pressure to study during downtime.

None of Neil’s friends had seemed too bothered by the ridiculous level of quiet that was Todd, until one of them - Todd was pretty sure the guy’s name was Charlie - had tactfully interjected himself into Todd and Neil’s conversation. Well, he’d interjected himself into Neil’s very passionate conversation with himself.

Todd tensed when he felt the weight of Charlie’s arm slung around his shoulders. He was sure Charlie was just being friendly, but that didn’t stop him from being caught off-guard.

“Come on, Todd. Can you at least throw the guy a bone?” Charlie nodded over at Neil, who’d only stopped talking when Charlie had placed himself between the two of them.

Todd’s face felt uncomfortably hot. _Did I do something wrong? What is he talking about?_ “I don’t understa-”

“Neil’s been talking to himself for the past half hour.” Charlie answered, seemingly not bothered by the fact that he’d clearly interrupted Todd, “He _really_ wants you to be his friend. Breaks my heart to see him try so hard and not succeed.” _Finally_ , he removed his arm from Todd’s shoulders and made his way back over to where he’d been talking to another one of Neil’s friends whose name Todd couldn’t quite remember.

The silence that followed felt weirdly suffocating, especially since Todd realised it was probably because of himself. He didn’t bother to look at Neil, else he would have seen an equally embarrassed expression to his own. Instead, he kept his eyes fixed to the ground, trying to muster up the courage to say _anything_. “Neil,” He started, voice painfully quiet, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Neil answered. He’d sounded so genuine that Todd couldn’t stop himself from looking up, and sure enough, Neil’s expression was earnest, “I probably should have given you the chance to talk.”

Todd let out a quiet laugh, “You were right when you said I was the ‘quiet-type’.” he let the statement hang for a moment, before adding, “I prefer to listen.”

“Thank god.” Neil sighed in relief, “I thought you must be getting sick of hearing my voice.”

“Not at all.” Todd didn’t realise that it sounded like he was saying he _liked_ the sound of Neil’s voice until he realised that Neil looked strangely flustered. “Uh, I mean, I..” Todd took a second to try and think of a better way to word it. _Shit. That’s not what I meant._ “I really like listening.” He hadn’t found himself able to look back at Neil, “I don’t like feeling like I _have_ to say something.”

“Oh.”

Todd couldn’t quite discern what that meant, other than it wasn’t negative.

“That makes it easy then.” Neil had a smile on his face, so there was that.

That was definitely something Todd could agree on.

He would rather have completed his final years of secondary education at his old school with his old friends, but there was a comforting thought that, at the very least, Neil seemed happy to tolerate Todd - and Todd could say that he liked Neil’s company. The prospect that he could make at least one friend during his final years of school helped him feel a little bit better about the move, even if he hadn’t had a say in it in the first place.

At the time, neither of them knew being ‘buddied’ together would lead to anything more than a situational friendship.


	2. Chapter Two - Getting Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Todd and Neil get together

They became something more than friends halfway through year eleven.

Todd, Neil, and what had collectively become their friend group were gathered in Neil’s room for a study session. Most of them were sprawled out on the floor, Neil and Charlie were residing on the bed, and Todd was stationed at Neil’s desk. They all had their English novels and exercise books out, sharing notes and writing down ideas for analytical essays.

Charlie had been sitting diligently next to Neil at the start of the study session, but had ended up lounging on the bed; clearly bored and definitely not a part of the educational discussion taking place. There was a very intense discussion going on about what would be the best quotations and analyses to use for their upcoming essays, but to Charlie’s bored mind, all it sounded like was a jumbled mess of words put together. “Hey guys, can we take a break?” He asked.

It was about the fifth time Charlie had asked to slack off - at least, according to the mental tally Neil had been keeping. Neil had kept putting off taking a break, hoping to get as much done as possible while everyone still had stamina, but he had to admit he really was getting sick of going through literary techniques for what must have been the tenth time in a row. He let out a long sigh, “Fine, but only for a little while.” He emphasised the ‘only’, and hoped that he wasn’t digging himself a grave by caving into giving himself a _small_ break from studying.

That “short break” had turned into 2 hours, and everyone except Neil and Todd were all on the floor crowded around the TV in Neil’s room, playing his PS4. Todd was still sitting at Neil’s desk reading his textbook; intent on actually studying like he’d gone there to do. Neil had a hard time trying to understand how Todd could still be studying with all the noise coming from the television, but he was in the same boat of still wanting to get some schoolwork done as well. He thought at the very least that if Todd was still willing to study, that it’d be a good opportunity to see if Todd could help him run lines for his upcoming play.

“Hey, Todd.” Neil called from the bed.

“Yeah?” Todd turned to Neil, surprised by the sudden interruption. 

“Since no one’s really studying, want to help me run my lines?” Neil held up two copies of the script for the theatre club’s play, extending one out to Todd.

“Oh, sure.” Todd gave a small smile and took the script Neil was holding out to him. 

They began running lines. Todd didn’t put too much energy into the dialogue since it was mainly Neil speaking; the latter more at the stage of trying to memorise the words rather than acting them out, and Todd was okay with not having to talk much. He just enjoyed watching Neil do something he was passionate about. Instead, Todd focused on listening - taking the opportunity to take in Neil’s facial expressions while he spoke. He liked listening to Neil say his lines - whether they were read with absolute conviction, or stumbled through while he still wasn't too certain on the dialogue.

As the run-throughs went on, Todd ended up on the bed next to Neil, and soon enough he’d unknowingly ditched his own copy of the script and was reading along on Neil’s - laughing about the lines Neil would muck up and the ones that Todd unexpectedly had to read. They’d unconsciously leaned into one another, and when reading intense lines, Neil would place his hand on Todd’s shoulder.

Their conversation was soon interrupted by a voice; Charlie’s voice, to be exact. “Can you two just fuck already and get it over with?”

Todd jolted in surprise. Of all the weird, embarrassing things Charlie felt the compulsion to blurt out, that was not something Todd had ever expected to hear. It was easily the last thing he _wanted_ to hear - it just gave him too many things to think about and not enough time to figure out how he was supposed to respond.

Conversely, Neil was quick to the punch. “Bold of you to assume we haven’t fucked.” He answered coolly, casually slinging an arm around Todd’s shoulders to emphasise the point.

There was some kind of feeling that not even the word ‘mortified’ could explain, and Todd just wished he could melt into the floor and disappear entirely. None of it was a conversation that he wanted to have - let alone, have been brought up by anyone that wasn’t Neil. It would have been bad enough if it had just been Neil that had said something, but the _others_ \-- Todd turned to look at the boy next to him, “Neil-”

“Yeah,” Knox interjected, eyes set on Neil, “You look at Todd the way Chris looks at me.” He added smugly, looking between the two boys with a mock-knowing look.

“You mean how you wish she’d look at you.” Meeks retorted, not bothering to look away from the screen in front of him for even a second. He missed the offended look Knox gave him - completely unbothered by the whole exchange when he was too focused on just _kicking Charlie’s ass at Mortal Kombat_.

Todd certainly wasn’t on the same page. He didn’t get how they could say that so casually - how he could be so obvious that the rest of their friends could see he liked Neil. No one was supposed to know. It was supposed to remain a secret, because _why the fuck would Neil ever like him anyway?_ It was so hard _not_ to like Neil - not when he was so vibrant and enthusiastic and breathed life into every room he entered. Not like Todd; the kid who could barely make eye contact, let alone hold a conversation for more than two sentences.

They were different, that much he knew. Different enough that Neil couldn’t be so much as bi, because he would definitely find some pretty girl who’d love him and marry him and start a family with him. It was just too many things that were too painful to think about, so _why the hell_ would Charlie torment him like that? Neil wouldn’t ever feel the same way about him, that much Todd knew.

The rest of them were laughing about it - unbothered by a joke while Todd agonised over how he hadn’t been subtle enough. The warm arm still slung around his shoulders really didn’t help, and he had this horrible feeling of his secret being found out - of him being found out. He felt the room spinning, and a horrible knot forming in his stomach that only served to make him feel sick. _Do they know? Will Neil hate me?_ Every thought circled back to how he was being too obvious and how he wasn’t careful enough and how _he found out he found out oh god he’s gonna hate me-_

“Todd? You doing okay?” He glanced up to see Neil staring back at him with concern. “You’re looking a little pale.”

“Uh, well-” He averted his eyes - couldn’t look at Neil while they were so close and while those damn eyes held so much intensity and warmth. “Yeah, it’s just...”

Charlie broke up the conversation again. “WELL, I’m hungry.” He announced loudly, pausing the game before pushing himself up from the floor, “Who wants to go get food.”

Ignoring Meeks’ protests of how he was _so close to demolishing him_ , Charlie managed to convince everyone who wasn’t Neil and Todd to leave the room with the promise of “Getting the good shit”. He made certain to emphasise that Todd should stay back and rest for a bit, and that Neil should be the one to make sure Todd didn’t throw up all over the place, because he was ‘looking a little green around the edges’.

However, just as Knox was making his way out of the door, he paused, conflicted. He shifted his attention between his friends that were heading into the hallway, and the two who were still sitting on the bed - one of which kind of looked like he was about to pass out, “Maybe I should stay and make sure Todd’s alri-”

Charlie put a firm hand on his shoulder, “It’s fine,” He stated firmly, “lover-boy over there’s got it.” He gestured back to the pair, before guiding Knox out of the room.

Once Charlie had managed to usher everyone else out of the room, he turned back to Todd and Neil, “You can thank me later.” He remarked, winking before closing the door behind him.

Thick silence fell between Todd and Neil after the door closed - only broken by a distant, “Come on everyone, food’s my treat!” That was unmistakably Charlie, along with the sound of footsteps disappearing down the stairs.

Todd’s eyes were fixed intently to the carpet - hoping that maybe if he stared hard enough at the ground, his eyes would burn holes into it and it would swallow him whole.

They left him there, alone with the person he spent an obscene amount of time thinking too much about. Neil - the boy with too-beautiful eyes and a too-bright smile; the one who radiated light into every space he walked into. The one whose existence was suffocating and too much in a way that Todd would happily drown in. The one he’d happily lose his oxygen for, and Neil was right there, staring at him with that look of concern and immersed in all things Todd - as if Todd was the most interesting and important thing in the world and--

“Todd, do you need water?” He sounded so genuine, earnest. He sounded as if he really believed Todd was just feeling unwell and not in the midst of a panic attack. The way he looked at Todd made him feel as if maybe he was the most important thing in Neil’s world, even if it was only for a moment. Even if it was only while Todd felt like he was dying.

He didn’t realise he hadn’t answered Neil; that he’d kind of just sat there, so intent on staring at the ground because Neil’s eyes were staring too intensely at Todd for him to even be able to meet his gaze for more than a second. Neil seemed to take that silence as his answer. “I’ll go get some water.” He said off-handedly, moving to get up and leave.

If it was bad drowning in the ocean that was Neil, what would be worse was drowning in the ocean that was Neil while Neil wasn’t even there to watch him drown. It felt like a paradox in its own right. “Ah- no it’s fine,” Todd piped up, flicking his eyes to Neil for a brief moment to see him hesitating to leave. “I-I just. _Fuck_.”

Neil stopped in his tracks, watched as Todd ran an uncomfortable hand through his hair - a habit of trying to wash away the nerves. He decided to sit down on the bed again, considering and then refraining from putting a reassuring hand on Todd’s leg. Todd was recluse enough as it was, and Neil didn’t want to risk exacerbating anything and making his friend shut down completely.

Todd was still struggling to process his own thoughts on everything that had just happened. He couldn’t think of what to say or how to react beyond a simple and remorseful, “I’m sorry.”

Neil tilted his head to the side in confusion, “What do you have to be sorry for?”

"Just-" Todd was unsure about how to proceed. There was a fine line he was treading, between admitting the whole truth to Neil, or managing to dance around it in snippets of the truth. One felt dishonest - lying through omission - and the other felt too vulnerable when there was even an inkling of a chance that Neil didn’t know how Todd felt. There was a chance of it - especially when Neil was the kind of guy that’d give his all to his friends and all the people that he cared about, but wasn’t one to reflect on how they felt about him. It was easy to do that when you were someone who so easily attracted people into your charismatic orbit.

"I probably made it weird. Charlie's joke, I- I didn't mean to be...". Todd didn’t know how to word his next sentence; his thoughts were all messed up. There was a repeat of the same thoughts, circling back on ideas such as, _Why the fuck did Charlie have to say that?_ He felt his palms going sweaty where they rested in his lap. The feeling was at least something to focus on beyond the nerves and the frustration of not being able to get more than two words out without wanting to say “fuck it” and just yeet himself out the window.

"You probably don't like that one of your friends likes you like this and I tried not to think about it because I didn't want to make you uncomfortable-- because I get it.” The words rushed out before he could think too much about them, and by that point he’d already let it slip that _yes, he did like Neil_ , but to be fair, he didn’t know a damn person who _couldn’t_ like Neil. "You’re not gay and maybe it would have been better if it was a girl instead of me," He stopped speaking, realising he might die if he didn’t stop to breathe. 

"So if it's too weird to be around me now I can just go." His voice trailed off in the end; tinged with a kind of brokenness that Neil had never heard in Todd’s voice - not even when he talked about the way his entire family compared him to his brother. At least then, it was some sort of melancholic acceptance, but this-- to Neil, it sounded akin to realising that you had to let go of the only thing that was keeping you above water - and _does Neil really matter that much to Todd?_ There was a defeated look in his eyes, a look of _this is the last time I’ll ever speak to you_ and _it’s me making you hate me_. Then there was the determined, tersed set of his jaw, as if he was doing all he could to just hold it together and stave off the impending break down until after he’d rushed out of Neil’s room as soon as possible. There was the way he clenched his fists so tightly it looked like he’d pop a vein. If any of those things were indications to go by, then maybe Neil _was_ that important to Todd.

The thought was equally thrilling and sombering - the realisation of just how much higher Todd held Neil’s opinion of himself over his own. Any further thought on that was cut short when Todd seemed to make up his mind - abruptly standing up and moving to Neil’s desk to grab his books and shove them in his bag as quickly as possible. He barely made two steps before Neil reflexively stood to grab his wrist. Todd froze, shifting to look back at Neil with an expression somewhere between bewildered and apprehensive.

“Wait, you actually like me?” The question slipped out before Neil could think better of it - but to be fair, that was probably a safer option than just grabbing Todd right then and there and kissing him until he was breathless from something other than constant anxiety. He realised he was still holding Todd’s wrist and released it, feeling a little flustered.

“I, Ah - fuck. I mean.” Todd’s mouth was unable to keep up with his thoughts. His mind rushed through a million and one things he could have said to get himself out of that situation, but they all felt half-baked and not entirely believable - not when he’d already said too much. Part of him thought that maybe if he didn’t say anything for long enough, Neil would just forget about it, but when Todd looked into his eyes, there was this weird twinge of hope there that dragged the answer out of Todd before he could think better of it. “Yes.” He was quiet.

The air felt thick in a way that made Todd feel like he really would be sick. It took a moment for what he’d said to settle in, and once it did, the regret settled in too.

Neil had only just been able to make out Todd’s words, but it’d clicked in his head around the same time that it had in Todd’s - and the surprise kicked in around the same time he saw the regret take over Todd’s expression.

After the initial shock wore off, Neil realised he needed to say something before Todd got the wrong idea. “Well, that’s a relief.” He let out a sigh, feeling long-held tension deplete from him as his brain comprehended that _Todd actually likes me_. “I like you too.” He said with the kind of grin that was way too casual for the flurry of nerves that he’d felt erupt inside himself.

Todd’s expression had morphed from edging on panic to stunned. “Huh.” He found himself staring lamely at Neil, unsure what to do.

Neil chimed in before silence could settle between them for anything longer than a second. “If anything, I thought I was the one being obvious.” He laughed awkwardly, “I mean, to be honest, I thought you were pretty cute when we first met and I got kind of nervous and just started talking heaps and I thought it was annoying you until you said you liked listening to me talk and-- yeah maybe you weren’t too subtle either.”

It was quiet for all of two seconds before a smirk broke out on Todd’s face, and then suddenly the two of them were laughing. It finally hit that they’d both been crazy about the other, and somehow everyone except them had realised it when it should have been really obvious. After all, Todd wouldn’t act for just anyone, and when had he ever seen Neil hang around _anyone_ like a lost puppy? They weren’t sure how long they were laughing for, but they ended up sitting on the bed again; breathless and sides hurting over something that probably wasn’t that funny, but felt stupidly hilarious anyway.

The laugher finally died down after a period of time that neither Todd nor Neil could put a number to. He could see Neil looking at him with his bright eyes and contagious smile and all Todd could think was _god I want to kiss him_. For half a second he leaned in to kiss him - hand pressed into the mattress behind Neil while the other found purchase on Neil’s leg, preparing to close the gap between them, and then his brain kicked back in. He stopped, eyes fixed on where his hand rested on Neil’s thigh, and hoped the heat in his face wasn’t too obvious. “Neil?” He asked softly.

“Yeah, Todd?” Neil’s voice had gone quiet too, and he was leaning into Todd just as much as Todd was leaning into him.

“I really wanna kiss you right now.” 

That took Neil by surprise. As much as he’d thought about it - as much as he’d wanted and wanted and almost gone ahead and done it, he couldn’t picture Todd thinking about kissing him. Then again, he hadn’t actually entertained the idea that maybe Todd wanted him back until only a few minutes prior, but suddenly his brain was swimming with thoughts of _Todd wants to kiss me_ and _fuck fuck fuck I need to give him an answer, don’t I-_

That answer turned out to be cupping Todd’s face in his hands and kissing him. There wasn’t much to it; just two seconds of what was maybe a slightly too forceful press of lips before Neil leaned back just enough to look into the blue of Todd’s eyes. There was a silent question there; Neil asking Todd if that was what he wanted - and he was given the unspoken answer of _do you even need to ask_ when Todd surged forward to kiss him back.

It didn’t last too long; just a few short, sweet kisses before Todd decided that anything more would be too much for him and he moved back. Neil just smiled at him, about to ask the question if Todd wanted to be his boyfriend, but before he could, the door suddenly burst open.

Charlie and the others walked in with chips and other snacks overflowing in their arms. In less than a second, Neil’s hands were off of Todd’s face and they’d scooted away from each other enough that their legs were just barely touching. If anyone had noticed, they certainly didn’t say anything - except for Charlie, who very much did notice and gave them the biggest shit-eating grin. “So, did you guys kiss and make up?” He asked, throwing a packet of doritos onto the bed.

Todd was pointedly looking at what was a very interesting Snickers bar that had dropped on the floor, while Neil fixed Charlie with a look somewhere between completely unimpressed and begrudgingly grateful for causing his boyfriend(?) a near panic-attack. Before Neil could dwell too much on that, something clicked about the junk food that Charlie, Knox and Pitts had just dumped into a pile on the floor.

“Wait, where did you get all that food?” It didn’t look like fast food and there was no way they could have gone to the supermarket and come back that quickly.

“Your pantry.” Charlie says without a second thought.

“The fuck!” Neil snapped.

“You may want to go grocery shopping.” Charlie added.

Neil pinched the bridge of his nose like a frustrated, disappointed parent while the rest of the group went back to playing games. Meanwhile, Charlie decided to launch himself onto Neil’s bed; jumping over the end of the bedframe and landing in a position that looked far too posed to have not been practiced. The motion jostled Todd and Neil who were still very much sitting on the edge of the bed. They turned back to Charlie with varying expressions of mildly disturbed (Todd) and clearly annoyed (Neil).

Charlie stared back at them, unbothered. “I said you could thank me later. This is later.” He smiled, not-so-smoothly wrestling with a bag of Doritos and chucking one in his mouth.  
It wasn’t exactly the most romantic get-together story of the century, but Neil would gladly take it since it meant he got to be with Todd.

Plus, getting to slack off with his friends for the rest of the afternoon was definitely an added bonus.


	3. Chapter Three - The Confession SceneTM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Todd and Neil unintentionally say "I love you" for the first time

The first time they said “I love you” had been unintentional.

School had ended, and Todd was helping Neil rehearse his lines for the theatre club’s student-written play. As predicted, Neil had landed the lead role; playing a guy named John. The co-star - John’s love interest - was a girl named Jennifer, and Neil bet the play-write thought she was _so smart_ when she gave all the major characters names starting with ‘J’, as if it said something about people conforming to societal norms or whatever.

That wasn’t important though. What was important, was that Todd had so graciously agreed to stay behind after school to help him run lines. So Neil pretended he was focused on the bland, basic dialogue in the script rather than where his and Todd’s knees touched because they decided to sit a little too close together on the stage floor.

They were in the middle of an inadequately-sized performance space that really should have been demolished after the newer, larger one was built in the remodelled auditorium; but at least the old stage provided a form of privacy that couldn’t be found anywhere else. It was the kind of room that served as a study place for theatre students when they didn’t want to risk an unwanted audience. Neil decided that’d be the best spot for them to practice so there wouldn’t be the risk of a surprise guest giving Todd a heart attack mid-dialogue.

Neil had been tasked with working on a specific scene from the play - the scene in question being _The Confession SceneTM_. It was the part where John had to confess his true feelings to Jennifer, but no matter how many times Neil practiced that scene with the cast, he was told over and over by the play director that his emotional performance just wasn’t there. It was _acting_ \- the very thing that came to Neil as natural as breathing. There wasn’t _supposed_ to be an issue of whether or not he was believable - but then there was _this_ scene, and he was finding it more challenging than he’d ever anticipated it being. 

It didn't help that the co-star, Shildi, was the **worst**. Not only did it suck that she played the lead love interest, but she also managed to suck any kind of positivity out of the room. Her personality was “my daddy is rich and he funds the theatre program so if things don’t go the way I want there will be no theatre program!”

Now, Neil wasn’t a spiteful person, but if a car happened to accidentally hit Shildi and hurt her _just enough_ to keep her from playing the part of Jennifer, he wouldn't complain. Long story short, Shildi was the textbook definition of a brat and she damn well lived up to that. Even though they were John and Jennifer in the play, Neil couldn’t see anything but _Shildi_ when they rehearsed together, and honestly, he didn’t know who would ever love Shildi - but _hey, I guess you can have anything when you’ve got money_.

That was the very thinking that made it impossible for Neil to see Jennifer as anything other than the complete bitch of an actress that played her, but he had to put that aside. He had the opportunity to rehearse with Todd, and Shildi wasn’t there to ruin the mood or nit-pick irrelevant details or make half-baked excuses for why she hadn’t learned her lines. He was acting with Todd, who’d so graciously agreed to stand-in for Jennifer so that Neil could get his bearings and _try_ to see the character as someone that wasn’t Shildi. If anyone could help with that, Neil reasoned that it’d be Todd.

Then it hit him.

“I think I got it.”

Todd looked up at Neil, puzzled. “Huh?”

The solution suddenly seemed obvious to Neil; it had been in front of him that whole afternoon while they practiced lines. _Just pretend Jennifer’s Todd_. He didn’t know why it had taken him so long to think of that. It was such a simple answer, and if he was able to visualise it consistently, it could fix his problem. “I know what I need to do now.” He paused, flicking back a few pages in the script. “I got it. Let’s take it from the top.”

“Yeah, okay.” Todd answered, focusing on locating the correct page of the script. As soon as he found the starting point, he nodded to Neil, and then read Jennifer’s line, “Wh- me and Jackson? But you set us up. I thought you’d be happy for me.” The words felt awkward coming out of his mouth, and he didn’t manage to properly announce the lines with exclamation marks. He figured his performance was underwhelming and he was sure he made it difficult for Neil to play off his energy.

Neil managed to do so anyway; fixing Todd with an expression filled with such frustration and hurt that Todd almost had to remind himself that it wasn’t real.

“I would be if I didn’t love you!” It sounded like Neil had blurted it out without thinking - as if he was too caught up in the emotion of the moment to stop himself from saying something a little too personal, and again, Todd felt that same awe at Neil’s incredible acting abilities. He didn’t know what that theatre club was talking about when they said Neil _“didn’t play the scene well enough”_.

There was meant to be a pause in the script, so Todd did a mental count to about five before saying his next line - remembering something Neil had said about how pauses always felt longer to the actors than they did to the audience.

“You, love me?” Todd asked, quiet. He’d remembered that even though the room was small, it could produce a decent echo if someone yelled. He didn’t want to be too loud and risk hearing a playback of his own voice, and it would at least be believable that Jennifer wouldn’t be very loud when asking that question.

“I…” Neil had this tortured look on his face, as if he wished he could take every word back. Todd had to admit that the last few run-throughs had been kind of rough, so whatever Neil was doing that time was certainly working. Todd almost felt like he was right there, getting unintentionally confessed to.

Todd looked down at his script again, trying to stop himself from getting too immersed in the moment so he could actually help Neil practice. “John, tell me the truth.” Todd said, managing some emotion into his voice. He thought he almost sounded like he was desperate to get an answer, but he wasn’t ready to admit that he was actually _trying_ to someone who never even needed to try to be brilliant.

On the other hand, Neil seemed to be in a whole other world. He looked at Todd with a different kind of intensity to what he’d shown just a minute prior - something in his eyes overly earnest and warm and passionate. That look alone made Todd feel all-too-warm in his skin. They’d only been dating a few weeks and he’d never seen Neil look at him like that. He wasn’t sure that he ever would, but he still felt like he was stuck in the thought process of _I can’t believe Neil likes me back_. The fact that Neil was his boyfriend was still kind of surreal in and of itself.

“Yes, I love you.”

The way Neil said that line felt different. It made shivers run down Todd’s spine in a good way. It made him blank out and forget what his next line was, but more than anything, it sounded honest; vulnerable. There was a conviction to it that Todd was convinced couldn’t be faked.

“You love me?” Todd asked quietly. He hadn’t looked down at the script, but he knew that he hadn’t quoted the next line anyway. The play felt forgotten, and instead he was staring into Neil’s eyes with a look of doubt and disbelief - as if there wasn’t any chance that Neil could actually love him - because how could Neil look at him and say those words? If Todd’s family had taught him anything, it was that he was always second best to someone else; that he wasn’t worth someone’s love, no matter how hard he fought for it. Neil couldn’t be an exception to that.

Without thinking, Neil reached for Todd’s hands and held them firmly in his own. “Of course.” He answered softly. There was a warmth and honesty and vulnerability in his voice that reached his eyes - as if he loved Todd with such a forecity that no one thing would ever be enough to portray it.

“I just - thought maybe it was too soon, or. Too much.” Neil laughed nervously, and flicked his gaze away from Todd’s, instead setting his focus on where Todd’s hands fit into his. He hoped he played it off well, but he wasn’t sure if Todd loved him or just liked him. He wasn’t sure if Todd was ready to hear those words, or if it’d just make things awkward. With Todd, it felt like things moved slowly - like they had to move slow because things like friendship and trust and comfort just took Todd a little longer to feel than other people. It made Neil feel like he needed to draw back sometimes, because Neil felt life fully and strongly, and to someone like Todd who would even struggle to speak up in a room full of friends, Neil worried he’d do something to push Todd away.

“No. No, you’re fine.” Todd replied softly. Neil looked back up at him, and a realisation that maybe he didn’t give Todd enough credit entered his mind. It was easy to take awkwardness for reluctance, but with the way Todd was smiling at him as if he’d just been told he won the lottery, maybe Neil could stand to trust him a bit more. “I love you too.”

A million and one thoughts rushed Neil’s mind, and he was sure he had a dumbstruck look on his face. He wasn’t sure what to feel between surprise and fondness and euphoria, or if he should just feel some combination of the three. What he did know, though, was that he would absolutely take the liberty of telling Todd how much he loved him every chance he had, since it was clearly more than welcome.

He felt like he needed to do something with all the thoughts swirling around - something to express it or alleviate it or just get some semblance of order so he could just _finish practising that damn scene_. With a newfound confidence, Neil leaned in and kissed Todd; he wasn’t going to pass up such a perfect opportunity.

They stayed like that for a few seconds - neither one of them particularly wanting the moment to end. Neil knew that he’d have to get back to rehearing though, and reluctantly leaned back. There was a radiating warmth in Todd’s expression, and Neil was fairly certain he was mirroring it with the way he was smiling at him.

“I think I know how to play the scene now.” He said.


	4. Chapter Four - Big Anxiety Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Neil has an anxiety attack and Todd tries to be supportive

Year twelve was amping up all-too-quickly. Assessments were happening every other week, along with the pressure of _you have to study and you have to do it now_. Free time got filled up with coursework and unit memorising, and what little time wasn’t filled up with school was consumed by preparations for year twelves’ student-written play. It was some cheesy attempt at a rom-com mixed with the artistic flare of the theatrical world. At the very least, Neil could get behind some of the dialogue, but the characters were more bland than a piece of white bread.

Then there was the issue of Todd, who seemed to be in an eternal state of _oh god I’m gonna fail_ , regardless of how many times he was told that his scores never dipped below an 90% at their worst. He studied and studied and studied, but apparently it was never enough - even though all his grades were consistently high and all his teachers told him he’d probably get offered scholarships for university.

In the two years that Neil had known Todd, he’d never seen him in such a state. Of course, Todd was trying to keep quiet about it and say he was fine, but Neil could see it. He could see it in the way that Todd’s body was always tense, even when Neil would try to hold him. He could see it in the dark bags that seemed to tattoo themselves under Todd’s eyes, and the incessant cold that had kept coming and going since the second semester of year twelve had started.

Neil felt like he was at a loss; desperately trying to keep himself as well as Todd above the water, but Todd had never asked him to. He kept pushing and pushing Neil away, because “You need to focus on your own grades, Neil.” and “Yeah, I’m stressed, but so is everyone else. I’ll figure it out.” But wasn’t Neil supposed to make things better? Wasn’t he supposed to support Todd and make him feel better? Why couldn’t he even do that?

Maybe there was some weight to the idea that you can’t help others when you can’t even help yourself, but it only made Neil feel even more like a failure. School was drowning him. The play was drowning him. Fucking Todd was drowning and the knowledge that Neil couldn’t do a fucking thing was drowning him too. He’d never understood that analogy of stress making you feel like you’re drowning, but once he’d started experiencing it, he just wished that he’d never understood it at all. Understanding anxiety hadn’t made it easier to understand Todd, it just made him feel further away from everyone in his life.

The stress finally made him crack one day when he invited Todd over to his place.

It was the first time they’d been able to see each other in a month. After some well-played pestering on Neil’s end, he’d been able to convince Todd to come over for a study session - assuring him that it’d just be the two of them. Todd had never fully gotten over the fiasco Charlie had caused when they’d tried to study as a group back in year eleven, and while Neil couldn’t say that he blamed Todd for that, he did feel a sense of gratitude to Charlie for ‘inadvertently’ getting them together - although he wished it hadn’t had to involve Todd having an anxiety attack in the process. To be fair, though, Neil couldn’t picture a situation where that could have been avoided.

They were about two hours into their study session, and Neil had spent the last hour of it watching Todd diligently work while he, himself couldn’t even memorise one paragraph of information. Neil had four tests coming up that week alone, and three of them were on the same day. He had to get something done, or else he was going to fail and then his dad would be disappointed in him and he’d have to quit the theatre club and would be forbidden from doing _anything_ he loved, more so than the restrictions he already had and--

Oh god it felt like he couldn’t breathe, but Todd was breathing just fine so clearly there wasn’t a lack of oxygen. _Was he having a heart attack? What the fuck was wrong with him? What-_

“Neil?”

Neil snapped his attention to Todd. He had his head tilted with concern in his eyes as he rested a tentative hand on Neil’s thigh. “Are you alright?” He asked gently, but for some reason it just made Neil’s chest feel tighter.

“I-It’s fine.” He gasped out, and then suddenly his breathing was a lot louder than just the long, slow breaths he’d been trying to take. He felt like he’d run a fucking marathon but in reality he’d just been _sitting_ there for two hours, wasting time and not taking any knowledge in and _failing--_

“Neil, it’s okay.” Todd reiterated, and the hand that was on his thigh moved to rub at his shoulder instead.

“It-” He goes to say he is okay, but the feeling of saying nothing feels like it’s choking him, “It’s not, Todd.” He can feel himself gasping for air more, and he instinctively grips at his chest to try and alleviate the weight he can feel there, “I can’t fucking study and I haven’t slept properly in months and I know you’ve been feeling like shit and _I can’t do anything right-_ ”

“What’s your favourite song right now?” Todd cut in.

“..What?” Neil looked at him like he’d grown a second head. 

Todd just returned his stare with an eased expression and grabbed Neil’s hand in his own. “Your favourite song.” He repeated, “Tell me about it.”

Neil thought about it for a moment, taking all of a few seconds to scroll through a mental index of songs he’d been listening to in the last few weeks to land on his favourite, “Drown.”

“Huh?”

“It’s a song.” Neil rushed out. The room felt like it was spinning and he couldn’t really focus on anything, but at least Todd’s thumb rubbing circles on the back of his hand was somewhat grounding.

“What do you like about the song?” Todd asked, voice level.

“Well-” Neil took in a breath, trying to get his thoughts in order to think about how to give a proper answer.

“Don’t overthink it.” Todd added, “Just tell me what comes to mind.”

He tried doing that; not worrying about giving the right answer and just giving his answer. After a few seconds of trying to gather himself, the first thing that came to mind was, “I like the sound of it.” He could feel his body shaking, like it was trying to exert pent-up energy, “It’s just-- calm and I don’t have to think too hard about it.” He took a second to breathe, finding it didn’t take as much conscious thought as it had just moments before because he’d become too focused on thinking about his favourite song, “I can just listen to it while doing whatever - and it’s not distracting, but it’s also the kind of thing I can just.. _Listen_ to.” He stopped again to take a breath. Weirdly enough, his chest felt lighter. “You get what I mean?”

“Yeah, I do.” Todd replied. He shuffled closer to Neil and wrapped his free arm around his waist - his other hand still holding Neil’s. “What else do you like about it?”

“The- the guitar’s real nice.” Neil moved his head so it was resting on Todd’s shoulder. A vague thought about how warm Todd felt entered his mind, but he kept his focus on explaining Drown. “I guess it’s ironic - the song’s called ‘Drown’ but when I listen to it, I don’t feel like I’m drowning.” He laughed, before burying his face in Todd’s neck. The bare skin was even warmer, and he subconsciously nuzzled into it. He could still feel himself shaking, but even that felt muted when his thoughts were absorbed with how damn _warm_ Todd was.

“Do you want to show me the song?” Todd asked softly.

“Sure.” Neil breathed out. He shifted his free hand and started rummaging through his pocket for his phone. Once he had it in hand, he shifted his face just enough that he could see his screen - but not enough to move from his comfortable spot. After a few seconds of scrolling through his music, he found the song and hit play.

He closed his eyes and focused on the music. It was the kind of song that worked well as background noise - something to fill in the silence while studying or running or doing whatever, but it was also somehow the kind of song you could just listen to and take in and have some kind of experience with. To be fair, those were some of the reasons Neil liked instrumentals so much. He liked the idea of portraying ideas and emotions without words or a voice, especially considering how significant those things tended to be to acting.

The song created its own atmosphere, and he was able to enjoy it while leaning against Todd and feeling the steady, rhythmic pulse in his neck. He could feel the even rise and fall of Todd’s chest from where their bodies pressed together, and Neil was sure that if he could just exist in any moment, it would be that one. He would want to just exist there, listening to Drown and feeling like he was floating - and that was when he realised that he’d been able to breathe just fine since he’d started talking about his favourite song.

“Hey, Todd.” He murmured, not bothering to move his face away from where it was nestled against Todd’s neck. His voice broke the atmosphere a little, interrupting the flow of the song.

“Yeah, Neil?” Todd answered. 

He squeezed the phone that had been sitting lax in his hand, thoughts circling back to how Todd had somehow known that asking him about his favourite song would distract him enough that he’d calm down from-- whatever was happening to him. Todd had seemed to act so quickly, and Neil would have been lying if he said he wasn’t a little impressed by that. “How did you know that would work?” He asked.

Todd paused for a moment, and Neil could almost feel the gears turning in his boyfriend’s head. As quiet as Todd tended to be, he was very observant, and would notice things in others that they may not even notice themselves. It was no wonder he could pick up on those nuances, like figuring out how to help Neil breathe easy again when it felt like his lungs were full of sand. Eventually, Todd shrugged, “I guess when you have enough panic attacks, it becomes easier to figure out how to distract someone else from one.” There was a statement left off about how Neil had been the subject of Todd’s undivided attention enough times that he’d at least have a decent idea of how to distract him, but Todd felt that he didn’t really need to say that.

Something about Todd’s answer struck a chord in Neil - as if a _panic attack_ could describe what felt much more like a heart attack. He tensed. “That-” He laughed nervously, shifting off of Todd’s shoulder so he could face him properly - make it known that he most certainly _wasn’t_ having anxiety, “That wasn’t a panic attack, Todd-”

“It was.” Todd interrupted. He levelled Neil’s desperate gaze with one that was intensely determined - and _was Todd always like that?_ Neil knew him to be recluse and studious and just happy to do his own thing, but he was also nervous around people; unsure if his input was wanted or if it was ever the right thing at the right time. Then there was this - the absolute certainty with which Todd looked at him, as if he had a PhD in everything Neil, or more likely, everything anxiety-related. Sure enough: “Trust me, I would know.”

“But..” Neil looked down to where Todd was still holding his hand, only then, it felt more like being trapped in scrutiny - like being trapped in someone knowing his every weakness. “Don’t you think I’d _know_ if I had anxiety? That felt like I was fucking dying.” His voice sounded unsure to his own ears, like he was trying and failing to convince himself of that, because there was _no way_ that something like nerves could ever be that bad.

Todd shrugged again, seeming all-too nonchalant about something that was supposedly as horrible as he was claiming it to be. “It can be like that.” He replied.

“Seriously?”

“Yep.”

There was a pause. Neil took a moment to let Todd’s words sink in. It felt surreal - that a feeling could make his body shut down like that - but at the same time, if anyone was to know anxiety, it’d be Todd. The concept felt foreign and unsettling. Neil tried to collect his thoughts as they circled between _is it always like that?_ And _how the fuck am I supposed to go through that again?_

Out of all of them, Neil ended up asking the question he found running through his mind the most, “Do you feel like you’re dying too?”

That caught Todd off-guard. He blinked, turning his attention back to Neil. “I mean-- sometimes, yeah.” He thought about it for a few seconds, hoping he could supply an answer that wasn’t so bleak without it being a lie. “Not always.”

“How do you-” Neil stopped, considering if he really wanted to ask that question - but the more he thought about it, the more he just wanted to _know_ ; to understand, “How do you deal with that?”

“O-oh.” Todd looked at the ground, and once more Neil could recognise the instant that Todd went into that deep-thinking mode - where he’d pause and carefully consider his words like he was answering some sort of complex mathematical equation, and not just telling his boyfriend how he handled anxiety. After a minute, he settled on, “I guess it - depends how bad it is. And why I’m freaking out.” His thumb absently ran over one of Neil’s knuckles as some kind of attempt to distract himself from the conversation. The motion helped - gave Todd something to focus on while he figured out how to elaborate. “Sometimes just.. Breathing helps. Or listening to music. Or going for a run.” He hesitated briefly, before adding, “Sometimes it doesn’t.”

Neil wanted to say some cheesy shit like _“you helped me”_ but decided against it. He was pretty sure Todd knew that without him saying it, anyway.

Todd took the chance to ask, “Can you tell me why it happened?”

It took a second for Neil to register that Todd had said something. Neil glanced at him, confused, “What?”

“Can you tell me why you were panicking?” Todd clarified.

“Oh.” Neil shifted his gaze - looking at where their thighs met and where their interlocked hands were resting on Todd’s leg. It was the kind of comfort that was easy to take for granted until it was needed, but maybe that was just a sign of how comfortable they’d gotten to be around each other. “This year’s been shit.” He started - kind of laughed when he said it; running his free hand through his hair to try and ease the nerves, “The play is tanking - the writer’s changed different chunks of dialogue five times over and no one knows what the fuck they’re doing.” He began unconsciously squeezing Todd’s leg - something to do with his hand while he focused on explaining why everything was shit, “And honestly? One of the major characters is being played by someone who only joined the theatre club as some kind of punishment for failing English. No joke, the teacher _told_ me that. Said, ‘Hey, can you help him run his lines? He really struggles in English and I think getting him involved in something more literature-focused would help’ and-”

By this point, Neil was more frustrated than nervous. He stood up and began to pace as he spoke. “And then there’s my dad, saying that I have to get into medical school and hammering on about how I can’t let my grades suffer, but honestly? I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months and I’m just so fucking tired.”

Neil looked back at Todd, and some of that anger melted into sympathy, and remorse, “And I can’t even be there for you. I know you’re not doing great but you keep brushing it off - and if I’m failing at everything else, why can’t I just be there for you?”

“Neil,” Todd stood up as well, walked up to Neil and put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s not that I don’t... Appreciate your worry,” He sighed tiredly, and met Neil’s gaze with his own pointed one, “But I’ve been worried about you. And I think the last thing you need to be doing is worrying about me.”

“But I _do_ worry about you.” Neil emphasised. One of his hands found its way onto Todd’s side and the other moved to cup the side of his face. Even in that moment - even after all the talk of panic attacks and everything that was going wrong, Neil’s mind was stuck on _he’s so fucking beautiful_. He could see all the different flecks of colour in Todd’s eyes up close. He could see the stray hairs that didn’t cooperate and all the marks and imperfections on his skin, but still, all he could think was how handsome it made him - because all those things made Todd, Todd. Neil rubbed his thumb along Todd’s cheekbone, mapping the feel to memory as he said, “I’m not just gonna- stop because you think I shouldn’t worry.”

“Well...” Todd swallowed nervously, and Neil was sure he could feel the weight of the atmosphere up close - how it had shifted to something entirely different without either of them even noticing. He felt Todd’s hand slide down his shoulder, felt the grip tighten on his upper arm and felt Todd’s other hand rest on his chest; being there just for the sake of contact. “You think I don’t worry about you?” He asked, and Neil could feel his breath on his face - somehow much closer than they’d been just moments before. “Neil-”

Suddenly Neil was kissing him - and he knew he should have let Todd finish. He knew he should have waited and talked it out and made it clear that maybe they should just rely on each other and not worry about it so much, but all of that had become dust in the wind because _damnit, Todd’s lips were right there_.

Todd didn’t complain about it, or maybe he couldn’t, because Neil reasoned that he probably didn’t leave too much room to argue when he wasn’t even leaving room for air because he needed Todd _closer_.

_We’ll talk about it later_ , Neil promised, somewhere in the back of his mind. _We’ll talk about it later_ existed as a distant thought, because if the intensity with which Todd kissed him back was anything to go by, Neil was pretty sure neither of them were in a hurry to do anymore talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out the song Drown by Polyphia it's pretty good fr - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9p8NMDcKkVw
> 
> Not gonna lie I picked an instrumental song because it was the easiest one to write about and I could really see Neil vibing to some instrumentals
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading the fanfic my friend and I wrote. We hope you enjoyed reading, and comments and kudos are always appreciated <3


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